I am not a runner
2019 Edit:
When I wrote this post in 2017, I didn’t have a deep understanding of fatphobia, diet culture, racism, privilege… diet culture negatively affects everybody and there are some serious systemic changes that need to happen urgently that, specifically, Black Cis and Trans woman have been working towards for centuries. Speaking more kindly to ourselves is a good thing to do AND so is actively fighting to eliminate diet culture, racism, and oppression. Because if we weren’t bombarded by it everywhere we turn, it’s grip on our collective freedom would loosen. Some teachers in this area include Rachel Cargle, Rachel Ricketts, Sonya Renee Taylor, and Erica Hart.
I’m not a runner.
That’s the whole story though: I am not a runner.
“Blueberries burn belly fat,” they say. They say so does grapefruit. And they say if you eat cabbage soup for a week, skinnybitch.net guarantees that you’ll lose 10lbs. They say if you run 6 miles, you get to eat dinner. Three ways to burn more calories when you run are run faster, run with ankle weights, run uphill.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t count calories or exercise in order to burn calories. Whatever I was doing, the purpose was to use up calories, or consume less calories. Weight loss has been a forever goal of mine. Every single year, my new year’s resolution was to lose 10 pounds. Every single year, I hated wearing a bikini. Every single year, I did a juice cleanse. Every single year, I tried multiple fad diets. Every single year, I tried all the trendy exercises. Every single year, I punished myself for not being small enough, for not being worthy enough, for not being desirable enough. Exercise was a punishment. Food was either a treat or a chore. Every day, my goal was to consume less and exercise more. Every. Single. Day.
And then I got tired. My body was worn out. My spirit was broken. My relationships were broken. Nothing I did or didn't eat could ever make me enough.
Then I started to do the self-work. It was the only thing left to do. And what I realized when I started that work was that I wasn’t at all broken and that I was the only one who assumed that I wasn’t enough. I also learned that the most important person for me to love at all times is myself - and I could go from there. As a dear friend recently reminded me, “We are all cups. Constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.” - Ray Bradbury. So my first piece of work was to start with loving my body. I stopped dieting, I stopped counting calories, I stopped punishing myself with exercise, I stopped running, and I stopped saying awful shit to myself. I started practicing love.
And then I opened up a gym.
I wanted to create a space where people knew that, no matter what they do in that space, they are enough. Food is both fuel and a joy. Exercise is both challenging and fun, necessary and loving. And we never talk about calories. We also never never say awful shit to ourselves. We practice love.
And, at first, we never ran.
My story with running has always been that I get injured - shin splints to be precise. The real story about why I don't run though is because it's always been associated with punishment. So we didn’t do it! Students who have been coming to getFIT615 since day 1, know that.
Here’s my story with running:
High School Track Day 1:
Has to have credit in order to graduate (even though I do ballet every day after school AND take a dance class at school). Can't run a mile warm up TO the workout without getting a cramp.
High School Track Day Who Knows:
Pretty good at long jump and triple jump, terrible at hurdles. Ready for this to be over.
2007 - 2013:
Force myself to run for calories. Wish I could "be one of those girls who runs in just a sports bra." (I remember telling this to my friend)
Sometime 2013:
Me: I think I should run a half marathon? (thought: I’d probably lose a bunch of weight with all that running)
Friend: you hate running. You’d hate the training. You'd hate the race. You’d only be glad that it’s over.
Me: So true.
Do not run marathon.
October 2014:
Open up gym and require very little running
January 2015:
Jessi Bewley, a dear friend and teacher at getFIT615, says, “Hey! You wanna do the Tough Mudder in October?!” “Sure Jessi!” I respond with enthusiasm! Turns out, it’s a 10 mile race (we did zero research)……. 10.7 to be exact.
October 2015:
After already deciding that we don't care how long it will take us, we just want to have fun, and we don't want to do any training for the Tough Mudder, I figure the least I can do is run a few miles here and there. I have a 2.2 mile loop around Music Row and the gym that I do maybe 4 times before the Tough Mudder. The first (and second and third) time I do it, I can't do the whole thing without stopping.
We end up running most of the course - and by run I really mean shuffle. And you know what?! I had a blast! But that was at the end of October and then it gets cold and then… whatever, I stop running.
November 2015:
After November’s Heartfelt Retreat, I decide that, on behalf of women and men everywhere, I no longer sweat with a shirt on because I think it’s important to see bodies in movement. In order for me to continue learning how to be comfortable in my own body, I want to see the way she moves - I don’t want to hide. And I want others to see it too. I want all of us to see bodies in motion. We are so used to seeing them standing still in magazines - perfectly posed and then expertly airbrushed. But I want to share how my body moves - how my muscles move, how my fat moves, how my skin turns a sunburned shade of red when I get hot, how my body has rolls and lines and they don’t at all reflect my worth or health.
December 2016:
I attend a workshop at Shakti Power Yoga, led by my dear friend Jess Dinisco - we talk self-work, we talk kindness, we talk values. She tells us to pick two personal values off of a sheet. She says (something along the lines of), “Knowing what you value most is like knowing your own personal North Star. And imagine, if you have multiple North Stars, how will you know where to go when you are lost.” My main values are growth and authenticity.
January 2017:
I sign myself up to run 40k in two weeks. I get fitted for shoes at Fleet Feet, buy myself a GPS watch and start running. Throughout the two week period, I get caught in the rain twice, drown an iPhone, get lost in Austin, TX, get lost 2.4 miles away from home in Nashville, and listen to some incredible TED talks. Again though, I have a blast. People are reaching out to tell me how amazed they are by me, and the truth is that I am too! I’ve been so proud of myself! It feels great. I have a lot of people asking if I am training for the half marathon. At this point, I haven't shut it down, but I also haven't committed. My response is, “If I enjoy this challenge then sure, I’ll do the half in April. But if I’m not having fun, I won’t commit to that.”
I have rules for myself:
you are ok.
you can turn around and go home whenever you want.
it doesn’t matter how fast you go.
I am proud of you.
be kind.
January 24, 2017:
I sign up for the Half Marathon in Nashville on April 29. I’m so excited for this entire process. I’ve found myself surrounded by runners who know what they’re doing, and who are supporting me. I’ve also encountered the occasional individual who thinks I’m crazy and won't make it. But you know what Brené Brown would say? It isn’t the critic that matters now is it. Nope Brené. It sure isn’t.
January 25, 2017:
I discover John Mayer’s new song Changing:
I am not done changing / Out on the run, changing / I may be old and I may be young / But I am not done changing
This isn’t an underdog story. I’m not here to tell you a dazzling story of a non-runner winning the Boston Marathon. I’m not here to tell you a story of a former body-hater becoming an over night sensational body-lover. I’m just here to tell you my story. To tell you that you’re invited to join me. To tell you that growth takes time and authenticity takes trial and error. To tell you that, if you don’t like running, great. That’s fine by me! To tell you that I have zero intention in ever running a full marathon… although maybe I will. How’s one to know what I’ll want to do in the next few years. Right now, this feels authentic to me and it absolutely feels like I place I can grow. So, right now, I’m rolling with that!
My options are limitless. My mind is limitless. My heart is limitless. And maybe my running skills are limitless!
It's the stories that limit us. What are your stories? What are the lies that you tell yourself on a daily basis? What are you giving up in order to hold on to that lie?
I know that "I am not small/fit/good/worthy enough" kept me from so many things: relationships, growth, authenticity... it kept me from living a vulnerable and whole-hearted life.
I'd love for you to come to the next Heartfelt Retreat with Ruby and me. Here's the full schedule.
Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen. Repent just means to change direction — and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn’t mind ending up at, and aim for that. Shoot the moon. - Anne Lamott